But there are ways in which vulnerability can be weaponised in a relationship by a partner, believes Jeff Guenther, therapist and couples counsellor with over 20 years of experience. Relationships come with ups and downs, and being vulnerable with each other is an important part of it, especially if you are thinking long-term.
“Does the really painful stuff come out on a random Sunday morning when you’re close and feeling safe, and it would be a great time to bring something up that’s like emotionally complex, or does it mostly come out when you’re holding them accountable for something? If it’s mostly the second one, well, there’s your tell,” stated Jeff. There are a couple more telltale signs of weaponised vulnerability to watch out for. “You started the conversation with a legit complaint, and somehow you’re the one apologising at the end, like you did something wrong. However, Jeff encourages asking oneself whether that is truly the case or whether the other person moved too fast. “Criticism just sort of floods them with shame, and they completely collapse. But if nothing ever gets dealt with, you still have a problem, whether they meant to do it or not. If and when the situation arises, it must be addressed, believes Jeff. “In a gentle but firm way, you say something like, ‘Hey, I can see this is bringing up a lot for you, and I care about that, and I still need us to come back to what I was saying. If they’re really flooded or upset, that is fine. You can take a break, but say when you’re coming back to it and actually come back to it, then watch,” advised the therapist. He noted that someone who is just vulnerable can hear you once they have calmed down. For someone who is using it, the conversation just sort of never happens again. Another way to address the problem is to go for couples counselling. Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition. This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them. Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor’s degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.
Taking to Instagram on September 26, Jeff explained what weaponised vulnerability is, how to spot it, and what to do if the person you are with is using it against you. Or you started presoftening everything you say so that they don’t spiral,” Jeff pointed them out. Because they trusted you, after that, leaving the person feels cruel.
The biggest clue to spot weaponised vulnerability is timing, according to the therapist. The latter involves starting tough conversations with stuff like, “Hey, yeah, so uh no big deal, but, and really like this is barely a thing…” Jeff warned that weaponised vulnerability can also show up early in dating, such as in the form of a major trauma dump on the second date. “I should say that a lot of people who do this are not deliberately scheming,” noted the therapist.
Because someone’s ex, who is assumed to be a monster, did the thing their current partner is doing as well, so now the current partner is the monster, and the onus is on them to soothe the person, just. The therapist pointed out that advising caution against weaponised vulnerability does not mean speaking out against vulnerability itself. Rather, it is important to advocate for greater vulnerability among partners. However, the therapist highlighted that the problem with weaponised vulnerability is that it shows up at a very convenient time. Whatever this person wanted to address is gone. “You just never get back to it. It’s a pretty sophisticated move, actually,” noted Jeff.
“Like, you finally bring up the thing that’s bothering you that you’ve been nervous to bring up all week, and about 2 minutes in, they’re telling you how their ex used to nitpick everything they did, too, and now they’re crying, and now you’re giving them cuddles, and you’re like, What the f**k happened here?” he elaborated. “Their pain becomes the exit out of the conversation and the accountability that you’re looking for.”
