Moving in together is a big step for couples, and one that everyone looks forward to. But there are many questions that should be considered beforehand, including some that might not be very comfortable to ponder upon.
Taking to Instagram on September 13, Jeff Guenther, therapist and couples counsellor with over 20 years of experience, shared three such questions that couples should consider ahead of making their decision to live together final.
Jeff pointed out that while moving in together is exciting, it also comes with some very real grief and sadness. “Sure, combining lives is lovely, but there’s also loss, like giving up certain habits, routines, or personal space. If you’ve been a strong, independent me for a while, this transition can stir up unexpected sadness,” he stated. Highlighting that this is a weird emotional experience, Jeff noted that it would be nice to receive support from the partner at this stage, but the support can, in some cases, also be provided by a close friend or therapist. No matter how caring or empathetic a person is, Jeff noted that even the best partners cannot be endlessly available. “Will you retreat to another room, cuddle, but skip the deep processing? Encourage your partner to lean on a friend? Jeff pointed out that moving in often comes with subtle power imbalances. “Does one of you own the place or have the lease in their name? Is there a big income gap? Did one of you push for the move more than the other? Who’s taking on more chores, handling pets, or kids? Power dynamics are inevitable, but ignoring them can lead to resentment, which can also be a relationship ender in itself,” he stated. Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition. This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them. Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor’s degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.
“What’s your plan for those days when you don’t have the emotional bandwidth?” asked the therapist. “Setting boundaries around emotional support helps to avoid burnout and keeps compassion fatigue from creeping in, which can be a real sneaky relationship ender,” he added. It is important to talk about the imbalances ahead of time, before they show up in “passive-aggressive bites,” noted Jeff.
